Let’s Talk About Sex

Probably not the right title, or is it?? Now that I have your attention lets really talk about!!!

I want you to take a deep breath. Often, when I mention the word "sex" in a professional setting, I see the immediate physical shift. Shoulders tighten. Eyes dart away. There is a collective "frown and grin" that is a nervous reaction to a subject everyone knows intimately, yet almost no one wants to discuss in the light of day.

For years, in my practice as a psychologist and sexologist, I have sat across from couples who have spent twenty years sharing a bed, yet they cannot find the words to share their truth. But here is the secret I’ve learned over three decades: How we handle the "unspeakable" in the bedroom is exactly how we handle the "uncomfortable" in the boardroom.

The parallels between sexual partners and professional teams are astounding. Whether it is an intimate partnership or an executive committee, the silent killer is the same: Avoidance.

The Avoidance Trap: Why We Stay Silent

Why do we find it so hard to talk about things that matter? In sexology, we see that sexual intimacy often fades not because of a lack of love, but because of a lack of courageous communication. We avoid the conversation because we fear the vulnerability. We don’t want to admit what isn't working, we don’t want to ask for what we need, and we certainly don’t want to face the potential of a "disagreement" in such a sensitive space.

So, we choose silence. We tell ourselves it’s "just a phase" or that we don't have the energy for the conflict right now. But silence doesn't mean the problem has gone away. It means it is festering.

In a company, this looks exactly the same. We avoid the "difficult" conversation about performance, misalignment, or culture. We put up a "united front" while underlying tension is scratching beneath the surface. Just as a couple might stop touching because they haven't addressed a hurt from three years ago, a team stops innovating because they haven't addressed a lack of trust from the last quarter.

The "How Often" Myth

One of the questions I am asked most frequently as a sexologist is: "How often is healthy?" People want a number. They want a benchmark to see if they are "normal."

My answer is always the same: The frequency isn't the metric of health; the connection is.

If you are having sex every day but there is no communication, no vulnerability, and no presence, you are just going through the motions. Conversely, if you are communicating deeply and staying connected to the "human" in your partner, the frequency becomes a natural by-product of that safety.

Now, let's bring that to the office. How often should a team "connect"? How often should you have one-on-ones? If you are just ticking boxes in a CRM or running through a weekly agenda without real awareness, you are just "operational." You aren't connected. A healthy "frequency" in business is any cadence that allows for the truth to be told without fear of penalty.

Losing Interest: The Cost of the Unsaid

When communication stops, interest fades. In long-term relationships, we see couples who have become "roommates." They are together, they share a mortgage, they raise children, but they have lost interest in each other’s souls. Why? Because they stopped being curious. They stopped talking about the things that actually matter.

In the workspace, this manifests as "Quiet Quitting" or stagnation. Your high performers lose interest not because they are bored with the work, but because the human connection has dried up. If people don't feel comfortable talking about the "elephants in the room" whether that's a failing project or a failing intimacy they eventually check out.

The cost of this avoidance is astronomical. It’s the "Million-Rand Mistake." To replace a partner or a top-tier executive because of a "lack of spark" or "misalignment" is a tragedy of neglected maintenance.

_______________________________________________________________________

Christa Coetzee is the Founder and CEO of Christa Coetzee and also the Co-Founder of Transcend Dynamix.